Bob, The Car, and The Crappo Grapes
A totally fictional account of life on the road with a totally fictional family!!!
The following story about Bob, the car, and the crappo grapes is purely fictional. It in no way has anything to do with the McKinney family travels through Rhodes. Any similarities would be purely coincidental.
Bob woke up early and stretched while the rest of his family slept. Their time in Rhodes had been wonderful and was easily rivaling Turkey as a preferred travel spot. Having spent the previous two days hoofing it around through Rhodes Old Town and the various local beaches it was time to venture a bit further a field. Bob’s wife, lets call her Dobbie, was sleeping fitfully in the middle of the bed, mouth open slightly as she managed to abscond with all the blankets and sheet from the bed. The kids Bobbin (14 yrs old) and Harrah (11 yrs old) were subconsciously fighting for covers in the sofa bed. Bobbin, sleeping head back and mouth open sounded like a freight train puffing away as he breathed through his nighttime retainer.
For the thousandth time during the trip, Bob wondered why the rest of the family was so pre-occupied with covers. They were in Greece in September and seemed to be living in a perpetual state of sweat. Thank God for the air conditioning in the room. It almost felt like home.
The day before the family celebrated Harrah’s 11 th birthday. She managed to snag a bracelet and a new dongle for her dongle bracelet. Somehow she also managed to get a big pink cake from the hotel staff; very big and very sweet and very pink. In other words Harrah considered it perfect in every way. Not to be forgotten, Bobbin managed to snag his first flight and went parasailing singing away to the Steve Miller 70’s tune “fly like an eagle”.
Bob smiled as he recalled the prior day, but his thoughts quickly turned to today’s adventure. After 5 weeks he finally got to get behind the wheel again. The family had rented a small 4 wheel drive tracker to tour the island and Bob was determined they were going to get on the road early. There was lots to see and a schedule to keep. They also had to be back in the city by 5:30 so that Bobbin could attend an on-line internet game meeting he had set up days earlier.
Waking up the rest of the family can often be a challenge but Dobbie was a good sport and with only a minor amount of grumbling climbed out of bed and began to stumble around the room. The kids were a different matter, resisting any verbal instructions to get their buts moving.
Packing up the bags, the family hit its first snag, too much stuff. They were only going for a day. What was with all these towels and stuff? It was Greece for gosh sakes argued Bob. The sun will dry us. Battle 1 went to Dobbie who insisted they needed cameras, swim gear, water shoes and omigod … breakfast!
It was clear they weren’t going to manage the 7:00 get away that Bob was seeking so he selflessly sent the family down to breakfast on their own while he proceeded to finish packing. As the family headed out the door to the buffet his only admonishment was that 4 desserts for breakfast was enough for anybody. Having discovered the days before that the words “Greek Breakfast Buffet” was synonymous with endless supply of cream puffs, cakes and cookies Dobbie and Bobbin had been like starving lions running down a baby gazelle. Harrah on the other hand was satisfied with feeding on bacon, bacon and more bacon; so much for the family’s commitment to watching their diet on this trip. It just wasn’t going to happen. Bob grimaced in frustration and realized not for the first time that there were limits to his ability to control his family.
By 7:30 the family finally managed to get on the road. Luckily there was little traffic at that time on a Saturday morning in Rhodes and they make quick time in the little 5 gear run about. The first stop of the day was to be Butterfly Valley. Expecting the turn off to appear in another couple of kilometers, Bob was enjoying the open road. Suddenly out of nowhere Bobbin shrieked, “Turn here, Turn here”, ; so much for advanced warning from the navigator. As Bob deftly put the little car into a 4 way drift around the sudden left hand corner he had a premonition. It was going to be one of those days.
Back on track the car efficiently climbed the mountain road and soon they ended up at the entrance to the valley. Harrah put on her cutsie little girl smile and as it often turns out would be free. Bobbin on the other hand was beginning to look like a giant sequoia and there was no fooling the ticket attendants anymore. Three adult tickets for 15 euro later and they were in the valley.
Bob and family must have been the first into the valley that day. The butterflies were camouflaged with the rocks and trees and tended to swarm as the family approached. Harrah was thrilled with the constant bursts of flapping that welcomed her as she led the way down the path. Bob and Dobbie smiled at each other recognizing a “Kodak moment” when they saw one and quickly pulled out the small digital camera to record some video…. or not! Turns out fly boy Bobbin burned through significant battery power the day before when he was “flying like an eagle” behind the boat, and being caught up with the cake and everything else the camera was left un-charged. That’s ok, Bob and Dobbie rationalized. Enjoy the moment and move on.
This was exactly what the family did. It was not until they had returned to the car that they realized they only toured half the valley and had failed to explore the other half. The craftily constructed mid-walk entrance (labeled mid-walk entrance) was really just that. Lacking the enthusiasm to retrace their steps the family opted to move on and leave the upper valley to the late comers to explore. Bob had more places to see and a schedule to keep.
Next up were the ruins of Kamiros half way down the western side of the island. This time Navigator Dobbie having learned from the dismal early morning performance gave Bob plenty of notice in making the turn off. A quick kilometer or two up a windy road left them in the parking lot and Bob’s first experience with truly helter skelter parking. Congratulating himself for having gotten a small car, he managed to back in. All in all there was 1 bus and two cars parked in the 3 acre parking lot but Bob managed to extract immense satisfaction that he was the only one capable of parking straight.
Another set of ruins and another toll entry. This one wasn’t too bad however at only 6 Euro for all the family. Bobbin must have been told to walk by the toll booth on his knees or something because he was free too. The ruins of Kamiros were in relatively great shape and dated back to the 4-5 th century BC representing one of the three city states of the island. The amazing element was the large cistern located at the top of the town, feeding into clay piping that furnished plumbing and water to the rest of the town below. More crawling around the ruins and chasing lizards and it was time to go again. Bob was somewhat more pleased as they were coming close to getting back to schedule.
Suddenly however things began to melt apart. There below him was a tour group of 60 something geriatrics slowing making their way back to the tour bus. This could slow their departure time down considerably and Bob was determined that that was not going to happen. Just as he was about to hit the “warp speed” button and move everyone along to the car, there came the most dreaded of sounds. “Bathroom Break!” shouted Dobbie, and she and Bobbin headed up to the shelter. Bob’s best laid departure plans were now in clear jeopardy and he began to nervously hop from foot to foot. Having consulted with Harrah he knew he only had one round of toileters to deal with. Not so. Appearing after a 5 minute break, Dobbie summoned Harrah up and another 5 minutes of foot hopping started again.
By the time the family was at the car, the geriatrics were in full scale boarding, pausing to make sure Erma, Emma, and Biff were still with the group. Through masterful driving, Bob managed to deke around the giant bus and assume the pole position heading down the windy road to the highway below. Back on the road once more with an additional 10 minute delay behind them frustrated Bob was finally in cruise mode. He should have known however that this contentment was not destined to last for long.
“Pop stop” shouted Dobbie. If we don’t manage to get some fluids we are going to die!” It struck Bob as somewhat puzzling that a family who had just completed a serial bathroom pit stop would require a replenishment pit stop so soon after. One gas station, 2 Euro and 7 minutes later, the civil unrest had been put to bed. The family’s next destination was an old, un-restored castle. The navigation to the castle was impeccable and Bob had absolutely nothing to complain about.
But trouble was just around the corner; literally. As Bob rounded the corner heading up the hill to the castle he spotted the little old lady in the middle of the road flagging him down. Bob, stopping to see what was the matter unwittingly fell into the well laid ambush. Through sign language it was made clear to Bob and Co. that the little old lady (henceforth called LOL1), was doing community service and maintaining the castle which tourists like Bob were enjoying free of charge. While LOL1 expected no remuneration from Bob she did expect him to enjoy the healthy and delicious bag of fruit in hand number 1 for the small fee of 2 Euro. As this was one very scary old lady, and fearful of curses that in all likelihood would follow him into the afterlife, Bob happily forked over his 2 euro and received a wholesome bag of grapes and apples.
Satisfied that the threat of curses was behind them, the family proceeded to drive up the hill and make the final ascent to the castle along a progressively narrowing road. While there were only 2 other cars, it was clear parking was going to be difficult. Disembarking from the vehicle and happily munching on their bag of fruit the family was making the final approach when all of a sudden out of a cave alongside the path jumped the hideous troll.
Actually not a troll but something almost as dangerous, a second little old lady; but this one was armed with a travel book and yet more bags of grapes. LOL2 quickly speaking no English, opened the travel book to page 217 and lo and behold there she was, “The lady of the castle”. That was all Bob really got to see before the sales pitch began. If the first little old lady was scary, little old lady #2 managed to set a whole new standard.
Bob diplomatically tried to point out that they had already purchased a bag of grapes and
“Why should we purchase new ones?”. Wrong move. Really wrong move.
Little old lady #2 promptly cut off all negotiation immediately by spitting at Bob’s feet and pointing to his tightly clutched bag of grapes shouting “Crappo Grapes, Crappo Grapes!!”. One Euro later and now clutching 2 bags of grapes Bob and family meekly entered the castle.
As promised the castle held great views and was a dream to explore. Exiting the castle and suitably intimidated by the 90 year old grape Nazi, Bob crept back into the car and the family drove off. Now still 20 minutes behind schedule, Bob’s next destination was the town of Lindos. All they had to do was drive across the island, drive 20 minutes up the highway, find a place to park in under an hour and they were back on track. Bob was optimistic. They could do it.
No sooner were they a mile down/up road when Bob became aware of an undercurrent of grumbling amongst the natives in the car. Dobbie, speaking for the balance of the family finally raised the question “ What about lunch?”. Bob’s reply “Let Them Eat Grapes!” didn’t receive the response he had hoped, and an aggressive chant began to shake the car.
At this point navigator Dobbie began to exert some measure of authority, instructing Bob that he had to pull over in the approaching town to visit a site the rental car agent had identified. Unaware of the deception, Bob stopped only to find the point of interest was in fact a restaurant. After checking out the menu however and recognizing a 50% premium, even Dobbie couldn’t support the lunch stop. Once again back in the car, Bob followed Dobbie's instructions on how to exit the town. Driving quickly now, Dobbie remarked on various points of interest along the way, making comments over the next 45 minutes ranging from “I don’t recognize this town on the map…” and “it must be the Greek writing ….” to “I’m not sure I know where we are …” and finally to “Oh my God, I recognize this place!”. The last comment was particularly disturbing to Bob.
It became even more disturbing when he recognized the turn off to the Valley of the Butterflies they had drifted around not 3.5 hrs earlier. Somehow the team had navigated itself to the WRONG SIDE OF THE ISLAND!
Faced with the reality of now being 2 hrs behind, and a crew that was ready to steal and barbeque the passing goats, Bob was forced to admit that his precious schedule was shot to hell. Then Bob had the brainstorm! Let’s find a secluded beach, drop Lindos (“what’s another set of ruins really?” and “acropolis smopolis, you’ll see the real one in Athens in 2 weeks time anyways”) and we can go snorkeling.
Plan B was sold to the troops and was in full effect. Now all Bob had to do was cross the island, find a secluded beach that sold great take away food, do a snorkel and get back into town in 3 hrs so Bobbin could make his meeting. Finally finding a beach, (not really secluded) things were looking up. Now came the food part. At restaurant stop number 2, the prices were even more expensive than stop #1, before the navigational error. At this point Bob is beginning to grumble “We still have like 2 bags of grapes…. Let’s snorkel…” Unfortunately his observations were ignored, and the troops decided they had to go back to the restaurant they saw as they entered the sea side village.
Yeah, restaurant # 3 that’s the ticket. Wrongo!! This time the family actually made it into the restaurant and got seated. Placing their order they were told “Sorry we don’t have that item. Nope not that one either. Sorry we only cook that one on odd days…”. You got it. Back in the car, and by this time Bob is frantic. Put on the damn booties, wrap your mouths around a snorkel, let’s go for the swim and get the hell outta Dodge!!
Nope full scale revolt erupts, and Bob is forced to drop the family off at the sea side and go find a place to park. Furthermore his instructions were to wander down the promenade sticking his head into the various establishments until he found the family.
Was Bob going to take this revolt lying down? No Way! He knew how to deal with revolting family members. As he found them finally seating themselves in establishment number 4, he did the only thing any self respecting family patron could do.
He initiated a food strike. “Let them eat cake” he said as he stormed off to the 3 x 3 ft. washroom to change into his swim stuff, and waddled off into the surf. A cool 20 minutes later he emerged from the water refreshed and was able to redirect the family to a decent but not great snorkeling spot.
An hour later they were finally back in the car and ready to face the Saturday traffic going back into Rhodes. They were now only 45 minutes behind schedule. No way was Bobbin going to make his internet gaming session that he had been waiting a week for.
Having already seen the traffic congestion during the week, and in Turkey on a Saturday, Bob had allocated a good 60 minutes to negotiate his way back to the hotel.
Turns out there is no traffic in Rhodes on Saturdays. Bob never found out why, but 10 minutes after entering town they pulled up to their hotel. 30 minutes after that, Bobbin managed to sit down in a smoky bar and log onto the internet, on schedule.
Bob never knew whether or not he was cursed by the little old ladies, but rather than point fingers at his trusty navigator he felt it was prudent to put off the day’s misadventures to them. Either way, little old lady number 2 was right about one thing; they really were Crappo Grapes!